what i've learned

I just spoke with a friend that is dealing with some of the same issues that I dealt with a few years ago and it forced me to reflect on what I've learned about life in the past few years. I think that it is tough to be in your mid-twenties, you graduate college with expectations of a great job, going out with friends at night, you know you're supposed to be living it up. Only, it's not always like that when you graduate. You may not live in the same town, let alone the same house as the good friends you've gotten used to hanging out with constantly. You get a job, realize that working is terrible, and you make a lot less than what you thought you would. It was really hard for me to cope with those changes in my life, especially after I left grad school and moved to Kansas City. I constantly questioned whether I made the right decision to move and then I began to question every major life decision. Eventually I started to believe that I couldn't trust myself to make good decisions, so I had no idea how I could move forward with life. Long story short, that wasn't a good path to head down and it led me nowhere FAST. Thinking back to that time, I recognize a few actual mistakes that I made and I hope by writing this I can help my friend recognize where he/she might be living by the same faulty logic that I was.

First, I failed to acknowledge that my worth as a person was not defined by how much money I made. Sure, it is nice to make more money and it's hard when you have friends that have higher salaries than you do, but salary is not what defines your character. Judging yourself by that standard will always make you unhappy because there will always be someone less-deserving out there making more money than you. But, you can't do anything about that, so don't dwell on it.

Second, I failed to recognize that I wasn't "stuck" in a job. The truth is that I lacked a lot of self-confidence and just didn't believe that I would be able to find my dream job. I thought that other employers would always see me as a research assistant, someone at the bottom of the totem pole. The truth is that I also thought that it was too late for me to change my career path and I'd have to travel down that path and hate it for the rest of my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't found my dream job, but I've come to accept my job for what it is-a job. I've decided to go back to school to become a dietitian, something I've thought about since about 2000. Why did it take me 9 years to get there, I don't know, but I finally did and I'm really excited about the possibilities. The truth is that it's never too late to change your career path. It may not be easy, but it's worth it. Don't decide to stick with something you don't like when you're 25! You have to work for 40 more years! Just because you have a car payment or you are used to having a salary, think about the long-term vs the short-term sacrifices before you rule something out.

Third, I thought that having "grown-up" stuff would make me happy. It doesn't and it's a pain in the butt. I was so excited when we decided to buy a house, because that is what you are "supposed" to do. But, houses aren't free and they require a lot of you. Having a home is wonderful, but tricking yourself into believing that you need to own yours is silly. Owning a house is a big responsibility and I'd argue that it's a mistake to jump into that if you aren't sure about your where your life is headed. Houses can really complicate your life and there is absolutely nothing wrong with renting a place until you're at a place in your life when ownership make sense for you.

Getting married is kind of tied into the "grown-up" stuff category too. If you're struggling to figure out who you are, maybe you're not ready to get married yet. I moved to KC and got engaged, but we ended up postponing our wedding. In the end, everything turned out wonderfully, but things would have been ok even if we decided not to get married. The most important thing is that we went into it when we were both ready. If you aren't ready, then there is a reason and you need to spend some time figuring out what that reason is.

Fourth, I didn't talk about these things with people. I kept it inside until they boiled over. Of everything, this was my biggest mistake. I shouldn't have made such harsh judgements about how I should or shouldn't have felt about life. I mistakenly believed that everyone else I knew was on the right path and I was the only one who was drifting. I thought other people would judge me and wouldn't understand. The fact is that I was wrong. Many people I know struggled with feelings/decisions about where they're headed in their mid-20's. People would have understood and tried to help if I would have reached out.

The bottom line is that even if things are tough for you right now, you'll get through it. Even if you've made a bad decision along the line, everyone does, and it's ok that you did. The key is to figure out where you want to be and then ask people to help you get there. Trust me, people want to help you. Friends and family want you to be successful, but mostly, they want you to be happy. If you need to make changes in your career, your relationships, or whatever, do it. The sooner you do, the faster you'll get to a place of contentment in your life. In the end, happiness is worth a lot more than your salary, your job title, your neighborhood, or your car.